Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Chronic Pain - just what?

Barely holding it together. I swear it is the fact that I NEED to help my daughter transverse teendom into adult hood, that I'm not already in a padded cell screaming silently.

Put pain and fat in the same sentence and doctors see fat and lazy, can't help herself won't get anything from me. I give my tenderest most vulnerable self to these thin fit doctors and I get cold shoulders and presumptions.

I lay awake here at night... Silently screaming, like some episode on The Middle where Franky goes ballistic and then says, well that's what happened in my head. Siently screaming for justice, calling them out on their wrongly preconceived ideas.... Tears falling to my pillow.

I ask Jeff tonight... Ok I told Jeff tonight that I feel crazy. I feel they don't believe me that the pain that flows through me is real. Heck, I'm beginning to question if my pain is real. Surely I can't be making this up. I mean dude, get up and walk you are not hurting. Oh.... How many times I've heard " that can't cause pain" or " normally people don't experience pain with such and such". Im tired, I'm done, I'll fight to make it through to see my daughter off to college and then I'll just lie down and die. Surely death is the only thing that can free me from this physical pain.

I'm not good at crying out to God. I mean yes, when I'm sweating from pain so intense I can't even breather I throw out a "God please please help me". But I don't know how to pray for this merciless ache that follows me day in and day out. How do I say anything but if it be your will? I've prayed for wisdom for doctors. I've prayed for healing. I've prayed for just an answer, not even relief.

Yup, I'm short, I'm fat, I've become very inactive because of this pain, can you now look past that Doctor? Please? See me as a fellow human who deserves your full attention.

Sleep eludes me, my heart is breaking, the tears flow, and yet still the anger builds. Quiet down little temper, you've got years to go still.

Sunday, August 28, 2016


I had dreams this summer. Dreams of walks by the river, gentle hikes, refinishing furniture, creating and painting. But this summer has come and gone and here I am.... A weeks worth of doctors appointments and curled up in bed with my only friend..... My only connection to the outside world. While I'm an introvert by nature I do truly love friendship and adventure. But honestly I'm not that fun to be around anymore. Don't ask me how I'm doing, I'm surviving. Here are my ramblings from my 2 am stupor where I let it go and felt sorry for myself. It happens

After fighting back pain for over a year I finally felt I might have the upper hand. Then the first kidney stone hit. Two surgeries and a hospital stay to get that one out. I knew at that time my other kidney had an equally large stone. While all my co-pays and out of pocket maximums have been met I elected to get that one removed 2 months later. Was it a big mistake? My life hasn't been the same since. Chronic pain and inflammation once again riddle my entire body. But despite that I started school with my last kid home. Monday, two subjects, it went well minus my intense pain. Tuesday morning I was in the ER with again another, smaller, but just as painful kidney stone. There went school for the week.
The intense pain I had been dealing with since the June surgery has almost doubled this week. Unable to do anything for myself but lay perfectly still and hope I don't get too sore in one position.

I'm suppose to try again tomorrow to start up school. I've got a worthless urology appointment in the afternoon. Worthless because I'm sure absolutely nothing will be done minus a lets wait and see if it happens again. Ugh!
Tuesday I'm meeting with a rheumatologist to see why my Sed rate and C-reactive protein is so high. My regular doctor has ruled out rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. Then she basically threw her hands up and said I don't know.

Breathing.......because it helps to get it out on paper (electronic as it is) crying because my pain can not be seen by others, and therefore I imagine everything they must be thinking. Screaming inside because I can't stand the pain. And honestly, I'm fearful. So much has been cut out of my diet, I still gain weight on, who knows, air? What is wrong with me? And how.... How am I going to finish out homeschooling my youngest (14) if I can't even focus myself let alone help her focus.

It's all running through my mind..... One breath at a time? One minute..... One second?

Life feels impossible

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Mega Bubble Bath

I love to take a hot bath and soak my pain away. However since we moved into this house the only tub is upstairs with the kids rooms. Need I say more? Ok, one more thing, it's a tomb of a tub. So tiny and you can't lay back if you care about your neck bones. It's straight up and down! I'll admit I've scrubbed as much yuck as I could and succumbed to trying to relax in that tub, but I have to be desperate.
Fast forward a bit to a few weeks ago when my husband and I took an anniversary trip. Just the two of us. As I was booking the hotels I kept looking for a jacuzzi tub in the rooms. The first two nights the only room available was just a regular room. However even the standard tub was pure luxury to our tomb of a tub at home. I enjoyed several baths, especially since I walked the beach for way to long and honestly didn't think I'd ever make it back. I took full advantage of no guilt on my water is usage. Shame.....

The third night we stayed at a really out of the way motel, yes you read that, a motel with an actual real metal key to enter the room. The reason I chose such a had a jacuzzi tub. Now driving up to this place, I questioned my own sanity, walking to the room my husband questioned my sanity, but when we opened the door, it actually was a beautiful room. And there in the corner, surrounded by windows overlooking the pounding waves was my jacuzzi. Ahhhh! The door was barely closed and I had the water running!
So, what does this terribly long story have to do with bubble baths? My sweet teen girls but together a gift basket for us. It included muscle soaks, chocolates, candles, lotions and bubble bath. It was our last night out so I thought I should pour a little in.
Here's the deal, the bath water was hot. I opened the window next to the jacuzzi, and my husband had the sliding glass door open for the cross breeze. I just love ocean air breezes. I love them even more when I'm sitting in a big hot bath. Now, the bubbles in the bath were getting a wee bit more aggressive then I had anticipated, but for some crazy reason the thought never occurred to me that turning on the jets would make it worse. It was like that 80's horror flick, The blob. Except this time it was in bubble form, quickly the bubbles were growing higher then the tub by about 8 inches or more. That's when it happened...... The ocean breeze kicked up a nice gust and off went a huge amount of bubbles out that open sliding glass door. I'm fast.... I shut the jets off but the bubbles just stayed. Seriously this was the best bubble bath ever made. Those bubbles would not die. Again, another whoosh from the ocean breeze and again bubbles are flying out the glass door. Im in hysterics as I try to consider what all the people on the beach must be wondering. Do they see the massive amount of bubbles floating out of room 62? Are the bubbles dissipating quickly or are they sticking to someone's window 2 floors down? Hysterical laughing ensures.

Quickly I close the window and my husband closes the glass door. I start to let the water, and hopefully the bubbles out. Water went, bubbles stayed.

As crazy insane as it was, I eventually got the bubbles down and re-started the bath again. Totally worth it!

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Pinterest Perfect

Recently I've picked up pining on Pinterest again. Having had a second surgery in just a few months I've done a lot of sitting and thinking and well.... Pinning.
Which brings me to the title of this post. My home, my homeschool, my kitchen, my diet and simply my life is perfect..... On Pinterest. However if you show up at my house announced or unannounced you'll see a typical American homeschool families little home. A dinning room table that longs to be refinished, a piano that's more then slightly out of tune, laundry spilling out of the too small laundry room and possibly more then a few Amazon boxes holding various impulse good for my family purchases. In fact there is not one Pinterest worthy spot in my house.

It's ok! My failure to implement my pin worthy boards into my life does not define me. It does not define my commitment to my family or being a keeper at home. It's a dreamers tool, a place to design and pretend and maybe just maybe find a helpful or fun thing to try. Don't let it become something you compare yourself to. Don't let it define your self-worth.

You can pin that!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Andrew Lang's Fairy Books - NOTEBOOKING and FREE BOOKS

FREE Andrew Lang & Fairy Books Printables 

Grab the free note booking pages for Andrew Lang's Fairy Books Here!

You can also download all of Andrew's Fairy books from Amazon for free. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013