Sunday, August 28, 2016


I had dreams this summer. Dreams of walks by the river, gentle hikes, refinishing furniture, creating and painting. But this summer has come and gone and here I am.... A weeks worth of doctors appointments and curled up in bed with my only friend..... My only connection to the outside world. While I'm an introvert by nature I do truly love friendship and adventure. But honestly I'm not that fun to be around anymore. Don't ask me how I'm doing, I'm surviving. Here are my ramblings from my 2 am stupor where I let it go and felt sorry for myself. It happens

After fighting back pain for over a year I finally felt I might have the upper hand. Then the first kidney stone hit. Two surgeries and a hospital stay to get that one out. I knew at that time my other kidney had an equally large stone. While all my co-pays and out of pocket maximums have been met I elected to get that one removed 2 months later. Was it a big mistake? My life hasn't been the same since. Chronic pain and inflammation once again riddle my entire body. But despite that I started school with my last kid home. Monday, two subjects, it went well minus my intense pain. Tuesday morning I was in the ER with again another, smaller, but just as painful kidney stone. There went school for the week.
The intense pain I had been dealing with since the June surgery has almost doubled this week. Unable to do anything for myself but lay perfectly still and hope I don't get too sore in one position.

I'm suppose to try again tomorrow to start up school. I've got a worthless urology appointment in the afternoon. Worthless because I'm sure absolutely nothing will be done minus a lets wait and see if it happens again. Ugh!
Tuesday I'm meeting with a rheumatologist to see why my Sed rate and C-reactive protein is so high. My regular doctor has ruled out rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. Then she basically threw her hands up and said I don't know.

Breathing.......because it helps to get it out on paper (electronic as it is) crying because my pain can not be seen by others, and therefore I imagine everything they must be thinking. Screaming inside because I can't stand the pain. And honestly, I'm fearful. So much has been cut out of my diet, I still gain weight on, who knows, air? What is wrong with me? And how.... How am I going to finish out homeschooling my youngest (14) if I can't even focus myself let alone help her focus.

It's all running through my mind..... One breath at a time? One minute..... One second?

Life feels impossible

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