Barely holding it together. I swear it is the fact that I NEED to help my daughter transverse teendom into adult hood, that I'm not already in a padded cell screaming silently.
Put pain and fat in the same sentence and doctors see fat and lazy, can't help herself won't get anything from me. I give my tenderest most vulnerable self to these thin fit doctors and I get cold shoulders and presumptions.
I lay awake here at night... Silently screaming, like some episode on The Middle where Franky goes ballistic and then says, well that's what happened in my head. Siently screaming for justice, calling them out on their wrongly preconceived ideas.... Tears falling to my pillow.
I ask Jeff tonight... Ok I told Jeff tonight that I feel crazy. I feel they don't believe me that the pain that flows through me is real. Heck, I'm beginning to question if my pain is real. Surely I can't be making this up. I mean dude, get up and walk you are not hurting. Oh.... How many times I've heard " that can't cause pain" or " normally people don't experience pain with such and such". Im tired, I'm done, I'll fight to make it through to see my daughter off to college and then I'll just lie down and die. Surely death is the only thing that can free me from this physical pain.
I'm not good at crying out to God. I mean yes, when I'm sweating from pain so intense I can't even breather I throw out a "God please please help me". But I don't know how to pray for this merciless ache that follows me day in and day out. How do I say anything but if it be your will? I've prayed for wisdom for doctors. I've prayed for healing. I've prayed for just an answer, not even relief.
Yup, I'm short, I'm fat, I've become very inactive because of this pain, can you now look past that Doctor? Please? See me as a fellow human who deserves your full attention.
Sleep eludes me, my heart is breaking, the tears flow, and yet still the anger builds. Quiet down little temper, you've got years to go still.
